A sparrow’s life

This week I celebrated an anniversary.  A year ago I was in pain.   Walking was excruciating.  Sitting was little better.  Standing could be good if I held my weight on my right leg.  My left hip was the problem.  On January 11 I had surgery to repair a torn labrum. 

Recovery took a while but now a year later I am so thankful that I can again keep up with my kidos.  I still feel it complaining on some days but I will take that any day over what I had to deal with a year ago.

6 months ago I was happily moving through life not expecting any major changes to my life. Then my mom shared with me that life was not as I thought.  Dad was having some problems and we needed to help her.  Bam!  Life changed overnight and I became familiar with the difference between psychologist & psychiatrists.  I was going to my dad’s doctors visits with him.  My dad who has always been a rock is now a different person who looks, acts & seems like my dad that I’ve always known.  I have to filter his words & actions through this new lens I am seeing through.

3 months ago my mom wasn’t feeling well.  She chalked it up to the stress she had been experiencing.  She checked with her doctor who recommended some tests.  Long story short is that my mom has pancreatic cancer.  To say that we were reeling from all this is an understatement.  Finally after 3 months of adjusting learning & adapting I am starting to be able to think clearly again.  Sometimes.

I am hoping to share more on here.  I just haven’t been able to since October.  This is a new road I am walking.  Maybe some of the things I am learning & living can help one of you.  I wasn’t ready for this.  I am still not ready for this but well . . . here we are.

God knew.  That is today(and every day’s) lesson.  He isn’t surprised at what happens to us.  He knew before we were born what would happen today.  Not one thing that comes our way is outside of his love.  He loves us and knows everything about us.  We are important to him and can go to him with our cares & burdens.

A dear friend shared this with me today and God used her to give me just what I needed but that is another lesson to share for another day.

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:28-31

May God prepare you for whatever is to come today and bless you through it all.

What is important right now?

One thing I ask from the LORD,  this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent 

and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27:4-5

What would you ask of God if you could just ask for one thing? 

That is such a hard question.

Events in my life lately have been prodding me to look at my life.  Really look hard.

We do not know the number of our days.  We can only be thankful for this minute, this hour that He’s granted us.

Between the doctor visits, multiple phone calls & texts, rearranging of schedules, desperate laundry loads I have been seeking what is most important.  I ask God to point me in that direction each morning as I start my day.  Here is what I’ve gravitated towards.

1.  Kiss my husband he might not be there tomorrow.

2.  Squeeze my children in tight hugs so they know I love them each day.  Even(especially) the big ones.

3.  Pray often.  Pray about everything.  Pray until you can’t stay awake.

4.  Forget the rest.  Do maintenance as you walk through the day.  Right now a to-do list is laughable.  Interruptions, sadness, naps all take priority over the rest.

I don’t dwell in the house of the Lord.  He dwells in me and allows me to gaze on His beauty and seek him each day.

My life is not beautiful right now.  It is a mess.  Fatigue and general inability to think has become my “normal.”

But I know He is beautiful and he is walking me through(okay carrying me) this season.  I don’t know the answer to the question.  More than half the time I don’t even know the question.

But I know he will keep me safe.  I can rest in him as I know he is holding me, molding me, shaping me as my family does the hard things that must be done.

I wouldn’t have chosen this adventure(nightmare) that we are on but I can choose where I turn for strength and wisdom.  I want to bring glory to him through my actions & words.

Thank you Lord for pointing me towards the most important things each day.

Loving when it hurts

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So what do you do?  Someone who you love dearly turns on you. 

They do not even realize that they have changed.  How do you handle it?

I am watching this play out in a family members life. 

I am called to encourage, listen & build up in this situation.

It is easy to fear.

It is easy to be dismayed.

Weakness begins to feel like the normal

(Stress & no sleep will do that to you)

Thank goodness that God knew it would all happen from the beginning.

(source)

I’m so grateful that I can lay this burden in God’s hands. 

His hands are so steady and strong.  Unlike mine.

His help is daily and even minute by minute. 

It comes in all forms.

Children who understand.  Husband who supports. 

Friends who pray constantly.

Even when I can’t.

Walking this road isn’t easy but I am not alone.

When Life Falls Apart

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18

Some days I just wonder what I am supposed to be doing as I live this life of mine.  Sometimes I think I have it figured out .  I should never think that.  If I think that then it seems the next instant things change and what I was just doing is no longer what I need to be doing.

10 days ago my world shifted and things are no longer as they were.  If I am not posting on here as much it is because I have been handed a new situation to understand and work through. 

I am praising God for the above verse today.  Even NOT knowing or even having a small inkling of what wisdom I am going to need in the future, I can KNOW exactly what God’s will is for me.

REJOICE ALWAYS  As if rejoicing wasn’t hard enough, but to do it always.  I am not a rejoicer.  I tend to be grumpy in the mornings, moody at noon & something different the rest of the day.  There are so many things I am thankful for in this life I live.  But rejoicing?  Still working on that one.  Always?  Yep that is a work in progress.  I find it very interesting that rejoicing comes even before praying.  Maybe it is a challenge to do the hardest things first.  I tell my kids that a lot.

PRAY WITHOUT CEASING Okay this one isn’t so hard.  I do a lot of praying.  As I do dishes, as I mow, as I look for the answer to some problem.  I am so glad that I can take every single worry or care that I have to the ONE who can handle it.  Even when life falls apart.  He is there to hold me up.  Even when the anchors that I have known all my life shift, He doesn’t.  I find such peace and reassurance in that fact alone.

GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES I am thankful.  I know that my whole life and everything in it belong to God.  Jesus saved me and I know that he holds my past, present & future in his hand.  The reality is that some circumstances are beyond difficult.  How do I thank him for that?  I try to find the lesson that is in it for me to learn.  I pray that my eyes are open to the growing he wants me to do.  I don’t have to like it but I am trying . . . attempting to be thankful that he loves me enough to mold me and shape me in to the woman he wants me to be.

This is straight from the heart.  Many of our families adventures are fun.  Many are silly.  This one is not.  I may be able to share more later but if not I will be here trying to walk this path that is in front of me.

Praying for my children

Do you purposefully pray for your children? 

I mean beyond “Please God keep them safe"?

I have done different praying at different times in their(my) lives. 

1.  Infant—Please HELP me God, I don’t know what I am doing.

2.  Infant—Please God just a few minutes of sleep?

3.  2 years—Please HELP me God, I may loose my mind.

4.  3 years—Please God will he/she ever go in the potty?

5.  Middle Years—Please HELP me God, you meant them to be my kids right?  They are so strange.

6.  Middle Years—Please God will they survive to be adults?

7.  Teen Years—Oh Lord, you and me right?  HELP!

8.  Teen Years—Lord help them to be pure and wait for the mate you have for them.  Help them desire your best.

9.  Teen Years—Please God help them to hear their tone of voice.

10.  College Years—Please Lord, bring him home once in a while.

Today I don’t have bottles & diapers to deal with any more, but the remaining years seem to be flying by as my little people are rapidly becoming BIG people.

This morning I was blessed to have this verse jump off the page.

Asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 

And we pray this in order that you may life a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in everyway; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.       Colossians 1:9-10

Even if it wasn’t highlighted already I would have recognized this verse.  I have prayed this over and over for my children. 

For so many of those younger years I kept looking for the fruit of my labors.  I did see some good fruit.  They would share toys, play nicely & speak kindly—most of the time.  But it seemed I saw my fair share of rotten fruit too.  Hitting, selfishness, laziness—they are/were human after all.

Now I am learning to let them go.  A year ago I was a total mess.  All I knew was that my oldest, who was a senior, was LEAVING. 

My heart was breaking and I cried A LOT.  I couldn’t stand it.

I knew he was ready for this step and that he would continue to grow and become an amazing young man.  BUT it is hard to let go and see things change.

I prayed that verse many times because I knew that God would take care of him when I wasn’t there.  I didn’t want him to stay the same but finding a way to let go was just beyond me.

So I continue to pray although he isn’t under my roof everyday.  I don’t know where he is most of the time.  I pray for him to have good fruit in his life. 

But I know my job—to pray and lift all my children up so that God can fill them with the knowledge of his will.

What do you pray over and over for your children?